*me happily on Windows 10 Pro, minding my own fucking business…
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“I see you’re trying to login to Windows to get to work on something, but first, do you want to switch to Windows 11?” |
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Me: |
“Not right now, I need to work, and I still haven’t vetted everything to make sure it will work right.” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Ok, I’ll ask you again tomorrow or at some other time randomly…” |
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Me: |
“Uh, ok, I just need to work…” |
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A few days later… |
|
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Hey, looks like your machine is eligible for a free Windows 11 Pro upgrade. Do you want to upgrade?” |
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Me: |
“Ok, fine, let’s do it. I’m tired of you asking me.” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Great!…”
“Sorry, you can’t install Windows 11 until you’ve applied all the necessary updates.” |
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Me: |
“Ok, let me run those updates.”
“Windows 10, can you install those updates?” |
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Windows 10 Updater: |
“Of course, I’ve been telling you that you have updates that are ready to be installed. Should I install them?” |
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Me: |
“Yes, please.” |
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Windows 10 Updater: |
“Sorry, can’t install those updates…” |
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Me: |
“Why not?” |
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Windows 10 Updater: |
“Because I need to update the Windows RE partition and it’s only 500MB in size.” |
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Me: |
“Ok, who made it so small in the first place?” |
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Windows 10 Installer: |
“I did…” |
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Me: |
“Ok, Windows 10 OS, can you take some of the free space from the partition next to it, and add it to the RE partition?” |
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Windows 10 OS: |
“No, I totally would if the partition wasn’t created at the front of the disk…” |
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Me: |
“Who put it there in the first place?” |
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Windows 10 Installer: |
“That would be me…” |
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Me: |
“Uh, ok, so Windows 10 OS, can you rearrange the partitions so that they are in the order you need so we can apply those updates?” |
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Windows 10 OS: |
“No, fuck you.” |
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Me: |
“Ok, guess I’ll use some better software to do the partitioning…” |
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Windows 10 OS: |
“I don’t like how you said ‘better’ software. But don’t fuck around with the RE partition since I don’t keep a backup of it anywhere else. And if it’s lost, you’re fucked.” |
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Me: |
“Ok, I’ll be sure to make a backup.”
*days and months pass as I painstakingly research reagentc and dism commands to safely image and backup the RE partition… |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Hey it’s me again, want Windows 11? We can install it right now.” |
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Me: |
“Let me finish fixing this RE partition first… How much space do you need on that partition to be happy?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Just a little bit more. I usually make one that’s about 644MB.” |
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Me: |
“Do you at least put it at the end of the disk?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Duh, where else would I put it…” |
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Me: |
“Ok, and you’re sure you ONLY need 644MB? Why not give yourself more breathing room?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Ugh, it’s not like I’ll ever need more space than that…” |
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Me: |
“Ok, just to be on the safe side, I’ll allocate 1.5 GB for the RE partition.” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Whatever, it’s your space bro” |
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Me: |
“Ok, Windows 10 Updater, can you finish applying updates?” |
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Windows 10 Updater: |
“Sure thing… Ok, looks good, I’ve finished doing all the updates and it also looks like your eligible for Windows 11. Want to install it?” |
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Me: |
“Yes.” |
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Windows 10 Updater: |
“Great! Let me introduce you to Windows 11 Installer…” |
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Me: |
*eyeing it annoyingly
“We’ve met…” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Ready to start the installation for Windows 11?” |
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Me: |
“Yes please…” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Great, let me just download all the stuff I need…”
“Ok, ready to install, and don’t worry, I’ll keep all your apps and data…” |
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Me: |
“Great, go ahead.” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
*sometime later…
“Sorry, couldn’t install Windows 11.” |
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Me: |
“Why not?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Because you’re using Bitlocker.” |
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Me: |
“Yes, I know, and isn’t that one of the things you enable anyway?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Yes, in fact it’s required…” |
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Me: |
“So what’s the problem?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“You’re already using it.” |
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Me: |
“And?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“You need to turn off Bitlocker.” |
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Me: |
“Ok, why?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“So I can turn on Bitlocker. Bitlocker is now required.” |
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Me: |
*staring intensely with murderous intent
“Ok, let me turn off bitlocker…”
*hours pass as data is decrypted…
“Ok, all done, Bitlocker is off. Go ahead Windows 11 Installer.” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“No, you can’t install Windows 11.” |
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Me: |
“Why not? What now?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Secure boot isn’t enabled. I need secure boot enabled, that’s a requirement now too.” |
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Me: |
“It is enabled, Windows 10 just never registered the primary keys.”
*Windows 10 OS sits in the corner and continues to pick its nose…
“So just register the boot keys and you should be good” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“No.” |
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Me: |
“Why not?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Because I don’t feel comfortable fixing something that Windows 10 should have done.”
“Want to do a separate install? I can do that without losing your data, just your apps would have to be reinstalled…” |
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Me: |
“Ok, fine, do that.” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Great, but not going to do that.” |
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Me: |
“Why not?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Because fuck you.”
“Want to do a fresh, clean install? I can do that.” |
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Me: |
“For fucks sake, fine, do a fresh install.” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Great. Let me get to work.”
*sometime later
“Fuck you, not going to install Windows 11” |
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Me: |
“Why? What happened now? |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“I don’t like your partition layout… But I’ve already deleted your previous operating system… so there’s that…” |
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Me: |
“Ok, fuck it, delete all the partitions on that disk and lay them out the way you want it!” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Great! I’ll do that…”
*more time passes…
“Ok, got Windows 11 Installed. Super excited for you! Just preparing your desktop now. Can’t wait for you to finally login and try Windows 11. Hey, have I told you how excited I am for you? Also, would you care if I told everyone your location, ad preferences, what you eat, your bowel movements look like, and the kind of porn you’re into?” |
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Me: |
“Uh, yes? How about you not collect and disclose any of my private info?” |
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Windows 11 Installer: |
“Fine… bitch. Here’s your fucking desktop.” |
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Me: |
*with my head in my hands… “…Should have gotten a Mac…” |
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Co-pilot: |
*busts in through the door
“Did you want mac and cheese recipes?!? I’m super excited to help you find all kinds of mac and cheese recipes…” |